[[Cheeky beats...x]]

Mon, 26 May 2008 11:57:09 GMT

"I have to fight to get what I want...
I'm obsessed with showing everyone,
I'm really not who they think I am..."

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

wow. for the first time in years...I wrote a little ditty..

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 20:46:25 GMT

You don't realise how far you've come until you look back
but distance is hard to measure for a state of mind.
I begin to realise that my weakness isn't out there
Its right here, right now, when my strength begins to slack.
Its always with me, its always here
I can't reach outside of it, it encompasses all
Things I used to see as friends, I can only see as enemies
Even when I'm trying to be normal.
Why did I let things get this out of hand.
You would have thought I would have learnt last time
Time is ticking away like sand
But I'm still getting nowhere.
Backwards and forwards my perception rocks
somedays this, somedays not.
I want stability
I want security.
I'm getting fucked up and theres nothing I can do to stop.

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 18:17:31 GMT

"Go away to your own little world. You're not a part of this house anymore the way you behave."

oh thanks MOTHER thanks.
What a bitch. what a fucking bitch.
Its not my fault I get annoyed at her because she's such an angry person that she sends out so many negatives vibes that when she's angry (the whole time) i feel stressed and tense.
Its not my fault I hate her because she hates to let me out of the house because I'm actually trying to have a life.
Its not my fault shes fucking stuck here all day like miss havisham getting old and bitter because she's so nasty and pathetic that no-one wants to know her any more.
Its not my fault that I get so frustrated and annoyed with the stupid fake bitches at college because they're still popular when I'm trying to be real and trying to merge into my group when really i just feel ostracised without any chat from my last school mates.
Its not my fault that I feel like I'm losing who I am and slipping back to someone I once was.
Its not my fault that I tell her about how I hated my last school when she's under this happy illusion that I loved it.
Its not my fault that I'm afraid how much like my mother I'm becoming, because I hate her, which means I hate the person I'm becoming.

ITS NOT MY FAULT I'M NOT WHO I WAS.
I'm trying to be someone new, someone better, but I'm turning out to be someone worse, someone who isn't sure of who they are, who isn't happy as they are, who no-body listens to or gives a shit about, who isn't confident, and who hates their mother and family.

WELL FINE THEN. I WILL GO OFF INTO MY OWN LITTLE WORLD, BECAUSE I HATE YOURS.

xoxo pirategrrl.

What. The hell.

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 17:52:42 GMT

This, GUY, lets call him A - he was supposed to be a really really good mate of mine. Like, we could chat about anything, and we even used to have little "things" for each other, but nothing ever happened, so the situation never got resolved, and he is way over me...but I still can't decide whether or not I'm over him.
Anyway he has a girlfriend, N, and she's perfectly nice (a bit manly, even though she's slim and pretty - she's like, one of the lads) and to begin with, its like they were fuck buddies, who decided to go out, and at one point A wasn't sure whether or not he wanted to go out with her anymore, and he told me this.
But recently, he told me (after they've been going out for...i dunno 4 months)
"I think I'm in love with her"
And I asked him last week, did you tell her. And he said yes, and she said the same to me. And was genuinely happy for him, because life without love isn't worth living. But since then he has become absolutely obsessed with her. He won't go to our usual lunch place without going to look for her, and today we were walking to the front of college and he was so eager to get to her that he went off ahead without me, and says (to himself) "N is.....stuupidd..."
What. Thefuck. WHO SAYS THAT SORT OF THING, OUT LOUD, TO THEMSELVES. Its like he was so desperate to go see her, that he forgot that I (his very good friend) was there, and went off without me. We then found her and had to wait around abit for this other mate, and it was almost like I wasn't there. She didn't even say anything to me, and when I said something I was totally ignored. I know they're a couple, and they are (now - although I do have doubts about her feelings towards him) in love....I dunno.
I then walked down the hill with them and this other guy, and he was chatting to them, and I was all on my own - I was totally ignored the entire walk down the hill (a good 10 minutes). I felt so lonely. Then the train got there as we were coming up to the station, and they all ran for it, and I didn't. And I would like to think that when they got on the train they realised I wasn't there, and wondering if I was ok because I was really quiet today....but I doubt it.
Its like all of a sudden he has become so totally obsessed with this (not very attractive to my eyes) girl that he has NO time to even ASK about anyone else. And this is the sort of guy who used to text me to check if I was ok when I'd been a bit quiet at college - even when I was totally fine. And now when I really am down and uber quiet, he is nowhere to be seen because all he can talk about, all he can think about, and the only think that affects him is N.
And I just want my friend back.
Lunch today = shit. small bowl of pasta with bit of cheese, why did I eat it? Anyway thats about 350kcals.
I feel like shit because I ate it.
Remember this feeling.

Right now, i hate me. I want to go hungry because I want people to NOTICE that I'm NOT OK.
xoxo - pirategrrl.

Sharing is caring...

Sun, 13 Jan 2008 14:47:12 GMT

So, yesterday, went to the cinema with C and then she came back to stay at my house. We chatted for ages, watched hsm, had a rave of it.
And somehow we managed to get onto the topic of weight...I think I brought up my mate J calling me a "chunkey monkey" this one time.
I couldn't cope with that.
And she agreed. And then we got onto the subject of eating.
We talked about how much we eat, how we feel about eating and stuff like that. I told her how I only eat dinner, and not all of it, and she said:

"You may think I'm crazy, but when I do that, don't eat breakfast or lunch, I feel like I've deserved it"

What a wise girl.
Because thats exactly how I feel.
We discussed pretty much evvverything, and now I feel like I could talk to her if I wanted.
She keeps me skinny because she is tiny.
Now I don' t feel totally alone, but because someone knows about it, I don't feel so .....~~safe.~~
Know what I mean?

Stay strong, think thin.
xoxo - pirategrrl.

p.s - sundays = sunday lunch = immense amount of food = fatness.
weigh in this morning: 8st 4lbs.(114lbs)
Not amazing, back on track this week. xoxo

FYI

Sun, 13 Jan 2008 13:04:34 GMT

Felt I should maybe post my stats up here, just for reference. And in case anyone is wondering. So here they are:

Height: 5'4"
HW: 121
CW: 114
LW: 100
GW1: 110
GW2: 100

So there we are. Not too painful. Ish. Maybe one of these days I'll post the history of my ed. But thats another story for another time.

Think thin
xoxo - pirategrrl.

Ok. I'm not gonna lie...

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 01:23:36 GMT

I BINGED.

Why...because...well, I don't really know. I guess I kinda made up all these stupid excuses about...I dunno, having been good. Which isn't technically true.

I ate:
Bag of crisps
Rhubarb crumble and cream
Chocolates
3 handfulls sweet popcorn.

Am about fit to bursting.
BLUURGH.
But won't purge. I just won't go down that road.
I'm disappointed but there is nothing I can do now. And right now, I am acutely aware of how much I prefer being empty to being full.

So here is a warning for ME above everyone else:

don't do it. Don't go overboard. Don't binge. If you super, uberly REALLY crave crisps on a FRIDAY, measure out a FEW into a bowl. If you take the bag, you will eat the bag. Because you are that FAT and disgusting. Sickening.
For god's sake girl, get control of yourself.
You need to realise what you really want, and realise with that that you can't have everything.
Because sacrifice goes hand in hand with success.

thin.K. next time.

xoxo - pirategrrl.

When you fall off the horse...

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 20:51:26 GMT

So this week, was back at college after a mean pirate tour with some other hoboes. I knew I didn't wanna eat a bit, and...I can't really remember...but monday, tuesday and wednesday I don't think I ate much at college. Like, maybe a diet pepsi and a couple of skittles. Along with about an entire pack of gum. Max...70kcals. However, once I got home, and I restrained till supper, I wanted to eat. Once I start eating after I've not eaten all day - I don't want to stop. So I didn't. This week I also ate....:

An entire tube of milkybar buttons
7 lindt truffles
half a pack of chocolate brazil nuts
6 chocolate coins

BUT - on the brightside (yes, there is one) I finished nearly all of my christmas chocolate, and the amount of it I had left was freaking me out. But that was only mon, tues & wednesday.

Thursday and Friday
Two of the best day's I've had. I ate nothing at college (bar a diet pepsi and maaaybe a few skittles haha) and only a bit of what I ate at home. I'm beginning to feel shaky, hungry and a little headachy. Well, hunger hurts but starving works right?

Anyway I do have a minor problem. Its friday evening. I've (stupidly) started a tradition of eating crisps on a friday evening. And I've been known to get through a whole bag. (gross) I can't decide. I can't decide. Its a decision I need to make...I mean, why shouldn't I be allowed something sometime? I have been amaaazingly good the past couple of days. I surpassed my expectations. And now I know I can do it!

Next week I wanna lost 4 lbs. I'm gonna weigh myself on sunday morning see how I do. I may (MAY) be able to skip yukky gross majorly fattening PIZZA'S on sat evening - am going cinema w. chlo and pippa.

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
Stay strong

xoxo - pirategrrl.